“Thanks” to the Chinese government, which has stripped the Tibetan community of their own land and freedom to worship their spiritual leaders, many Tibetans have fled China and chosen to reside overseas.
Nepal and Tibet are separated by the Himalayan ranges. Yet the proximity is close enough to bring a lot of Tibetan cultures across, and also to bring Tibetans to Nepal.
One of the common stable in Nepal is momos, steamed dumplings often served with a milky peach-color source and filled with meat and spices. We had eaten a lot of momos in Nepal.
This morning, we went to a simple Tibetan restaurant by lake side. We had momos, a Tibetan soup noodle dish that resembles very much the 刀削麵 (noodles shredded by knife) from Northern China, and a special bun served with buffalo curry sauce.
Sometimes ordering dishes in a prolonged travel can create tension. When traveling, one cannot help eating out most of the times. When choosing dishes, no two people are perfectly in tune with each other’s desires. There will be times that two happily come up with consensus. There will be times that two don’t. Today was such a time.
“I don’t want the buns,” I said, “And I will happily just have noodles.”
“So you’re not sharing?” J asked.
“I really want noodles.” I said.
“Mixed meat noodles?” J said.
But I wanted chicken and planned to eat it myself.
“You can order whatever you want,” J told me while added, “I think mixed meat noodles is a good choice.”
“I will share a bit, but I really don’t want to eat buns, so let me choose what I want,” I reiterated.
“Sure, I am just throwing out ideas.”
I ordered chicken noodles.
“Great, that’s what I really want. I thought if I told you mixed meat noodles, you wouldn’t want it and would order chicken, which is what I really wanted,” J said, half teasing me.
But I was enraged.
“You know how confusing it’s to me sometimes. You’re on the one hand telling me to choose what I wanted while on the other hand repeatedly told me what should be chosen,” I could not hold my calm. “You know, it’s not about noodles. I am sitting here, feeling all kinds of emotions raging in me.”
You know, sometimes, a small matter can trigger a deeper well of issues. For me, that really wasn’t about chicken noodles or mixed meat noodles, sharing noodles or buns or not. It’s a deep wound I felt and I have not yet forgiven.
Pokhara is a place we have both chosen to rest. To rest isn’t simply about sleeping or laying on the grass by the lake. To rest also means to pull down defenses and find a way to relate in the most genuine way. No fears of being who we are.
“I think there’s a deep wound inside that hasn’t been healed. We have been together for 4 years, soon 5. Many a times I have let you choose what you want, even I very explicitly told you my desires and preferences. But my desires got brushed away. You on the one hand told me repeatedly ‘Dora, choose what you want’ while at the same time I felt my voice was not heard. I think the chicken noodles aroused such emotions because of that. I felt I had repeatedly told you–I didn’t want buns! I repeatedly told you what I felt I needed, but you kept trying to impose ideas on me.”
We looked at each other.
Sometimes you really didn’t know if it’s better to let small things go or to let the things to be truly dealt with. Sometimes, small matters can spin into a tornado. Sometimes, if small issues aren’t dealt with, they get accumulated.
I don’t like myself being emotional. Confrontation isn’t my cup of tea. For years, I have developed a mechanism of avoidance. If anything confrontational comes up, I often choose to run away. But J and I have agreed we would talk things through. On my side, I have chosen to speak what I really want to say without running away.
“May be I will just choose to say less,” J said, “Sometimes you’re fine with me sharing the ideas and sometimes you’re not. I don’t know when. When I throw ideas, it’s just very much myself. It’s not me trying to manipulate you. It’s me being myself. If you want one thing, give it to yourself. I am not going to die without it, and if I want mixed meat noodles, I can order it myself. But sometimes I throw ideas just as a way to suggest. It’s not to say you have to do what I want. Sometimes you just simply have to ignore me.”
We sat by the road side. The sun was shining upon us. We had plan to visit the Peace Pagoda, but our conversation kept us at the table.
“Dora, there are a lot of things to see out there. But I cherish and honor the time like this to talk. It will be helpful for me and us.”
“I think I need to build my faith in you. I think the past experiences have not been fully healed. We both need faith on each other.”
Prior to taking this trip together, we had two years of separation.
“Dora, if we are two counselors, you will be the one who sits and listens and won’t offer ideas and suggestions. I will be the one who gives ideas and suggestions. You by nature like to leave people alone and do as they please. If you want something, you tend to hint it. I by nature like to throw out ideas and I go very direct to what I want.”
“Perhaps there’s a place for both,” I said, “A good counselor should have both qualities. He won’t be useful if he just listens and gives no advice. However, if he’s just too keen on giving suggestions without fully feeling being accepted, he won’t be able to take any suggestions. It will be way easy to take and listen to your ideas, given I felt you have truly heard me.”
The lunch listened longer than we wanted or thought.
By the time we started looking for the path to the Peace Pagoda, it’s around 3pm.
“J, you think we are okay?” Every time after a serious discussion, I could not help worrying the damage it may cause in us.
One great thing I love and like about J is how well he could reason with you, talk with you and listen to you when you truly need, and his ability to discover the bright sides of all things.
“Dora, I think we are doing right and good. I think the conversation we had is essential and good. It helps both of us to know what’s important to us, and in the end, it will only be good. Dora, the “problems” you and I sure, are very similar to many couples. I have done enough counseling to know, when two people come to me, most often they are looking for exactly the same thing. They both want to be loved and accepted. It’s so similar. But what they give to the other sometimes does the opposite. I want to give you options, you take it as a way to rid you of your options. You want to give me choices while thinking sacrificing for me is a way to love me, but the truth is deep down I want you to have you. We all want to love each other, but we sometimes don’t know how. I think we are doing right by each other. Otherwise we won’t spend such time to want to relate and work out to love each other. I think we are heading to the right direction,” he said.
We snaked around beautiful village paths, walked into woods, and tried to find the way to the pagoda.
There were no clear signs to how to get to the pagoda. The description on the Lonely Planet was quite vague. The sun was about to set, and J asked me what we should do. “I think we should head back. It’s getting dark and I heard thunder. It will suck if we get stranded here in the woods.”
J agreed and we headed down, without seeing the pagoda.
“I was thinking of our relationship in regards to this afternoon’s walk. Both you and I wanted to see the pagoda and we started to walk together. But we made a wrong turn, or did not know better and failed to get to the pagoda. Like many couples, like us, we want to love each other well – to reach the pagoda. But on the path, we miss a sign, we make a wrong turn, we don’t have enough time, we “fail” to reach the pagoda. Our love does not get us to where we intend to go. But I think it’s good. We learn. Next time if we embark the path, we can at least avoid making similar mistakes. Plus, it’s a lovely walk anyways. We have enjoyed this afternoon’s walk, right? We can keep walking. Keep loving each other. Keep doing better. Perhaps one day we can reach the peace pagoda of our relationship.”
The birthday cake I ordered for J was still not finished. The restaurant kindly let us leave the cake there and go there anytime we want to have some slices. We were quite cake-saturated by two cake fixes, even though J is a big fan of cakes and desserts.
I am a smart girl when it comes to food and often come up with great ideas. We bought a small bottle of rum couple days ago to drink it with mango juice and haven’t finished it. So I suggested, “Let’s go to the restaurant tonight, bring our rum. We have raisins too. So let’s soak raisins in rum, serve them with the cake. We can have rum raisin chocolate cakes plus coffee with rum.”
Not so shabby. When traveling, with resources somewhat limited, one can still get creative and bring something delightful to the table and to one’s life.
There we put a nice ending note to the day even we didn’t reach the pagoda.
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